Looking for me on a non-paddling day? I’ll be the one huffing in the bathroom with my finger up my nose.
Let me explain. I recently took a stroll through the land of Google and learned all about negative ions. Negative ions are negatively charged oxygen molecules that are concentrated outdoors in places where water and air get mixed around—surf, whitewater, and most of all waterfalls. The places, that is, where we most like to paddle.
Inhaling these little zingers does good things to our brains and makes us feel relaxed, happy and energized. Apparently these miracle molecules also kill germs and alleviate depression, allergies, asthma and pretty much every other ailment known to medicine while also—try this one on your spouse—boosting sex drive.
In other words, if you have a problem—any kind of problem—you can make a strong case for treating it with regular doses of the kayak cure.
One study found that albino rats breathing more negative ions did a lot more laps on their “activity wheels.” This could be your ticket to an afternoon off work. Just practice saying, Kayaking is proven to enhance workplace productivity, and be sensitive when you explain the part about the pale rat on the wheel to your boss.
Recognize there is some info out there that could weaken your case, like the fact that you can get negative ions from a machine, but don’t worry. Just point out that a good ion generator costs several thousand dollars and a new kayak will seem like a bargain.
More troublesome is the news that that mini-waterfall in your home, the bathroom shower, also produces negative ions. And one “doctor” claims you can increase negative ion intake by breathing really hard through your nose while plugging one nostril (left or right depending which brain hemisphere you want to boost). I figure the negative ion excuse should be good for a few paddling sessions. If that fails, then we can try the nose thing.
This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Adventure Kayak Magazine. For more great content, subscribe to Adventure Kayak’s print and digital editions here.
