I turned forty this year
Yes, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I am more cen- tered and I know myself better than ever before. I am at peace with my goals and lifestyle. I have a life-partner. I am becoming a silver fox.
But forty years… Dude, I’m OLD!
Leonard Cohen once wrote in a song, “I ache in the places where I used to play”. Oh vey, was he right.
If you’re under forty, stop reading now. You don’t know. If you’re over fifty, don’t bother writing to com- plain that I don’t know what being old is: what, did you invent pain? I got pain I tell you. My back is so bent from sitting in a boat that I’m slowly taking the shape of a question mark and my large and powerful hump is becoming a distinguishing feature.
If you’re old and you’re still paddling, you’re going to hurt. However, there are a couple of strategies to help ease your aching back pain and allow you to continue as a prominent and respected member of your paddling community, long past your physical prime.
Self medicate
In the morning before heading out for a paddle, take ibuprofen. I like to fill a cereal bowl with capsules, add milk (or Lactaid if milk gives you gas) and maybe top with dried prunes. This go-getter pre-trip breakfast meal will have you play-wrestling with the young bucks in the parking lot before you even get in your kayak.
After a day of paddling I like to take the little red pills. I can’t tell you what they’re called. I’ve either got to get new glasses or longer arms to be able to read that ridicu- lously tiny print on the bottle. I can tell you the little red pills seem to complement a fine peaty single malt scotch.
Wear a nice cardigan sweater
After paddling, you’ll need to change into something dry and warm. A wool cardigan is unbeatable here. You want something in a conservative colour—you’re not put- ting on a show! In your later years, there’s nothing wrong with wearing your slippers to the coffee shop after a paddle. It’s good to be comfortable. Wrap a tartan blanket around your legs for the drive home.
Use heat on sore muscles
I find a hot après-kayak shower to be very soothing. But be careful not to fall in the tub, those things are a deathtrap. If you break a hip at forty, the bones just never knit the way they used to.
I also love Therapain spray-on liniment. This is a topical spray designed to produce heat; like a healing balm. However, extreme caution should be exercised on application. It’s best to have help when applying it to the lower back region in particular; it is all too easy to have an excessive amount of spray pool, and then run down the valley of the crack of your ass, resulting in liniment on your pee- pee, or worse… anus. The resulting heat generation is intense. This experience has come to be known in our house as “riding out the red dragon”. It’s actually proven to be somewhat addictive, with this same accidental appli- cation occurring with suspicious regularity. Think of a eucalyptus scented opium den and you get the picture.
Gripe incessantly about your back.
I like to go down to my local paddle store and complain. They know me there: you should see the youngsters scatter when they see me come through the door. I figure, they’re getting paid so it’s part of their job to listen to me whine on and on about how my back is sore. I like to try and corner one of them and hold forth on how we used to do it back in my day.
Do other things and paddle less
Simply cutting back on your level of activity is a sure way to reduce pain. Find other things to do with the time that you used to spend on the water. Whinging on about past exploits is always good. Gassing off in the library kills a few hours. And my personal favorite— start writing about paddling instead of doing it! This last one is a time-tested classic that has been well exploited by, oh, so many.
In the next issue, look for tips on adapting equipment for aging paddlers, such as how to convert carbon paddles into a super-stiff, high-performance, lightweight walker.
Alex Matthews is forty. He resides on Vancouver Island where he complains that everything keeps changing.
This article first appeared in the Fall 2004 issue of Adventure Kayak Magazine. For more great content, subscribe to Adventure Kayak’s print and digital editions here.
