Step 1:
Prepare to lose job—set aside
Ring hands nervously for 3 weeks
Once raw, ask boss for 2.5 months off work
Once complete, combine:
Late nights and approximately 100 pounds of food dehydration
Beat in sufficient hours of route, logistics and equipment planning (this will take longer than you think—plan accordingly)
1 ounce anxiety
1 large check to cover costs
Step 2:
Add a river of clean, unfiltered cold water (stirring continuously with wooden paddle)
Stuff 16-foot canoe (preferably red) with all dried ingredients, camera gear and camping equipment
Mix in:
2 helpings solitude
1.3 million square kilometers wilderness
1 healthy dollop humility
1 Tbsp laughter (Jovial brand is preferable to Maniacal)
Sprinkle with birdsong and keep warm
In a large pot:
Whisk 1 large serving of bug bites until thick (include scabs)
Combine with mixture above and blend thoroughly
Stir in:
15 meals bannock
6 days upstream travel
8 days portaging (or until feet tender)
2 scoops rapids
1 tsp grated nerves
A dash of fear
Juice from one blister
1 extra helping freedom
2 doses exhilaration
Slather with sunscreen and liberal amounts of bug dope. Place in equal parts sun, wind and rain (snow is not a reasonable substitute). Garnish with one canoeist rolled in a meadow of tundra flowers.
Let set in the Arctic for seven weeks and voilà!
Note: Applies equally well for photographs of barren-ground grizzlies, caribou and muskoxen. Results may vary.
Preparation time:
4 months
Preheat:
Until ice melts in Nunavut
Bake:
7 weeks on the tundra
Serves:
1 (forever)
Though not complicated, this recipe is time consuming, requires risk and contains ingredients you likely do not have at home. Do not be discouraged—the results are fulfilling.
This article first appeared in the Spring 2015 issue of Canoeroots Magazine.
