The primary goal of any guide worth his or her salt is to keep clients safe. The second goal is hooking up with someone on the trip. Most companies have strict policies regarding guides dating customers: generally it is mandatory to share all juicy details with the management and other guides in order to ensure an accurate tally of the season’s totals for each guide. As with safety procedures, it’s vital to document the best methods and pass them on for the professional development of our colleagues. Many varied strategies to score can be employed, some subtle, others less so:
1. Strive for consistency. If at all possible, you should try to kiss the girl for the first time in the same (geographical not anatomical) location on every trip. This way you’ll never have trouble remembering where that “perfect first kiss” hap- pened with every client over several seasons. What if she comes back next year? You may think that you’ll remember, or that it won’t come up, but the inability to accurately recall this salient detail can derail any possibility of repeat business.
2. Keep notes. Palm Pilots are excellent for this purpose, and they make you look professional and organized. It may appear as if you’re checking the guest list for any possibly dangerous food allergies in the group while you are actually seeing when Trish/Cindy/Whoever was born. This way you know you’ll be right when, on the first night beneath a spray of stars, you shyly ask her if she’s a Virgo. Yes? “Ah,” you smile ruefully and quietly say. “I knew it just by watching you.” Point out her constellation.
3. Increase your odds: eliminate competition. The greatest risk may appear to be getting “shot down.” Incorrect—the greatest risk is your guiding partner scoring while you remain solo. If you are working with another male guide, and he has a significant other, always go on and on about how much you like his mate. It doesn’t matter how briefly you met this person (if at all), or how little you know her, just keep nattering on about how special she is and how lucky your fellow guide is. Expand on how you would love to be able to be in a stable relationship like your coworker; how lucky they are and how you can’t wait to become best friends with his girlfriend. Do this in front of the group. Do it often. This will go a long way to dissuading your partner from hitting on anyone, leaving the field open to you, with the implicit threat that you would sing like a canary should he even flirt with a customer. It also sends the mes- sage that you are a sensitive guy looking for a relationship while he is a cheating, lying scumbag if he doesn’t appreciate the great girl that you have incessantly harped on about.
4. Play one romantic prospect against another. Once you have acquired your primary target, you will be surprised how flirting with one customer may egg another one on. You are the guide, and as such the alpha male in the group. Try to bag both. Don’t underestimate the power and illusion of alpha-maledom. It can gloss over otherwise glaring faults, like chronic emotional immaturity, insensitivity and low intelligence. Believe me, I know! And remember you only have to maintain the act for five to ten days, max. Anything beyond these performance limits virtually guarantees recognition of your real worth. This is bad.
5. Plan and then create an emergency. Staging your own crisis is the only way to ensure that you will be prepared, react swiftly and effectively, and impress everyone with your cool self-possession. This is a turn-on for women. If the company policy is for customers to share in the cooking while on the trip, wait until your target’s breakfast day. The night before, bleed all the propane from the camp stove. In the morning when Chrissy/Tracy/ Whoever tries to start her breakfast for the group, she will be horrified to find that the stove isn’t working. She will be stressing out big-time. Suddenly you are there. In seconds you seem to have somehow prepared pre-cut dry wood for a fire, the grill is in your hand. The crisis is manfully handled, the breakfast is cooked, she is indebted to you for saving her bacon, and she is impressed. You are so prepared!
Sabotaging the rudder on a boat is an easy way to spend a few minutes rescuing her. She’ll be thrilled with you having just the right-sized tool. If she is really hot, you may even consider putting a hole in her boat. Get swimsuit pictures and her panties and your boss will understand. It is a great system.
6. Stage a party for the night the trip ends. Guiding companies like to have guests all stay in a hotel in the nearest city on the final night of the trip. Let it slip that you and the other guides have planned a private party.
“Where’s the party?” someone will ask.
“Oh, sadly it’s not here in the little port town,” you lament, “but back in the city, in the lounge of hotel X.”
“But we’re staying at hotel X tonight! Your boss booked us all in there.”
“You’re kidding! We asked him to book us a place for the party. He must have done both at the same time.” Happy days! It was meant to be. Funny how life works out sometimes.
7. Get dressed up. When you get to the hotel, go from rugged outdoorsman to sleek well-groomed urbanite. Shave. You will be much better dressed than everyone on the trip. Be as confident and as in-control in this setting as you were on the water (it’s only one night, you can do it). Keep the lounge permanently booked. Christen it “Hotel L’Amour”….
Alex Matthews lives in Victoria with Rochelle Relyea, who picked him up on a kayak trip. He hadn’t had a date in years. She thinks that it’s adorably cute that he would even try to write an article about scoring with girls.
This article first appeared in the Summer 2003 issue of Adventure Kayak Magazine. For more great content, subscribe to Adventure Kayak’s print and digital editions here.
