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Open Boat Review: Millbrook Boats Prowler

Two people paddling a purple open boat.
A Prowler is always on the hunt. | Photo: Scott MacGregor

To be more accurate, the subtitle should read, “the fastest solo or tandem canoe you’re unlikely to paddle unless you order one or sleep with one of the 35 people who did.” The Prowler is built of fiberglass and Kevlar and there is a two-month wait time to replace it, so they are sweetly cherished and heavily guarded. With only six weeks before the 2008 ACA Open Canoe Slalom Nationals your chances of getting one to take for a spin are slim.

John Kazimierczyk, or just Kaz, chief cook and bottle washer at Millbrook Boats designed and built the first Prowler back in 1993. He was looking for a tandem boat, a boat he says would be comfortable for a variety of different people and knowing Kaz, a boat that would be fast.

“Some people say 15 feet is too long for a tandem. In big waves, all 15 feet of this boat are working. The length adds buoyancy and speed. The rocker and narrowness help make it turn on command.”

Many of those who paddle the Prowler say it handles more like a 13-foot boat.

Millbrook Boats Prowler Specs
Length:15’1”
Width: 27”
Depth: 16”
Weight: 35 lbs, no outfitting
MSRP: $1,350 USD, no outfitting

millbrook-boats.business.site

The Prowler is a serious slalom racing or river-running canoe with a flattish shallow arch like Kaz’s Howler, but it’s a boat he says is faster and has more control.

What’s a Howler? His website says, “One of the most radical whitewater canoes ever designed. Similar characteristics of the Hooter.”

What’s a Hooter? “A wider variation of the Kyote. Stable, dry and fast.” A trip to the Millbrook website is like a trip through the evolution of slalom open canoe design, complete with grainy, washed-out photos and Ace helmets. If you’re not familiar with any of these ancient designs you might say the Prowler has similar lines to the Spark—a joint project between Millbrook and Esquif.

Like the Spark, the Prowler is more stable with speed than it is while strapping yourself in—wobble, wobble, splash. It’s a boat that is paddled from the bow.

“Almost every bow power stroke has some degree of steering stroke to it,” says Brian Shields, the proud co-owner of the most recent Prowler built. His partner Gail Shields paddles with Kazimierczyk at Nationals and says, “The first time I paddled with him, he put me in the stern and told me to not let my end of the boat touch any gates.” He drives, you’re just the power.

Screaming into eddies faster than ever before it is easy to over-tilt the Prowler. Big mistake. With big tilts you’ll fall over, like we did. The Prowler is best controlled with subtle turning strokes and precise edge control, including off-side tilts to stick and pivot the long carving hull. It is always better to carry speed through eddies, but at only 35 pounds it’s no problem for two paddlers to make the Prowler leap up through gates. If you’ve never experienced a light and lively whitewater composite whitewater canoe, it’s a real treat.

The best place to check out a Prowler will be at the Gull River in Minden, Ontario, August 1 and 2, where the OC Nationals return for the second time in six years. Over the years, the Prowler has won more than 60 national titles and is still unbeatable. You’ll see old ones and new ones, red ones and blue ones; just don’t expect anyone to let you try one… at least until the race is over.

This article originally appeared in Rapid‘s Fall 2008 issue. Subscribe to Paddling Magazine’s print and digital editions here, or browse the archives here.


A Prowler is always on the hunt. | Photo: Scott MacGregor

Boat Review: Esquif’s Zephyr

Photo: Scott MacGregor
Boat Review: Esquif's Zephyr

Looking back on Esquif’s line of solo open boats it’s easy to spot a trend. The Nitro, Detonator, Zoom and Taureau were all successively shorter (we’ll ignore the slalom-oriented Spark for now). Now bucking its way into the current is the full-bodied, 11’ 3” Zephyr.

Why the retreat from increasingly compact canoes? The Zephyr is Esquif’s admission that many open boaters feel more comfortable in a boat like a voluminous Dagger Rival. So Esquif has taken the speed, stability and dryness offered by a larger hull and added advances in areas such as chine and flare developed for the smaller boats to produce their Zephyr.

Though it’s a full-bodied canoe it doesn’t feel like you are riding a squishy 10-year-old pig down the river. Esquif owner and designer Jacques Chassé says he wanted to impart the responsiveness of his Zoom into a hull with the stability demanded by intermediate paddlers. The chines, though softer than those on the Zoom, still allow for effective carves and off-side tilts. It’s not a pig to paddle because the narrow bow of the asymmetrical hull and the dramatic tumblehome of the gunwales mean you don’t have to reach out over the boat to get your paddle in the water.

The sharper bow entry point, lighter weight, longer waterline and slightly rounded hull (as opposed to the truly flat hull of the Nitro or Detonator) combine to create a boat that accelerates with only a stroke or two and carries speed deep into eddies.

To achieve a cushy secondary stability that stops the boat dead when the gunwales are about six inches above the waterline, Chassé employed a dramat- ic mix of flare and tumblehome. The mid-ship flare gives you something to rest on while the boat is carv- ing and the tumblehome brings the gunwales safely back from the water to produce a really dry ride.

Look closely at the Zephyr’s matte black hull and you’ll notice a woven material visible in the plastic— the biggest story behind the Zephyr is its new hull material. For years whitewater canoes have been produced in composite (fibreglass or Kevlar) or more commonly plastic (Royalex or polypropylene). Esquif has married the two by devising a process that impregnates fibreglass fabric with melted polypropylene plastic instead of resin.

Chassé says the new material—which he calls Twin-Tex—is lighter than straight plastic but not as brittle or susceptible to abrasion as traditional composites.

“It won’t crack like a resin composite, and it won’t gouge, dent or delaminate like Royalex,” says Chassé.

The big question many canoeists are asking is, how will the Zephyr fare when wrapped around a rock? Chassé insists the plastic bounces back, with just a few cracks that can be smoothed over with a heat gun. But the question may be moot given all the floatation in solo boats. Jeff Johnson, head instructor at Ontario’s Madawaka Kanu Centre, says that they haven’t wrapped a solo open boat in years.

Chassé says another selling point of Twin-Tex is its ability to save weight. The Zephyr comes in at 37 pounds. Chassé claims it would have weighed 48 pounds in Royalex.

Long though it may be, the Zephyr is no evolutionary U-turn. Chassé says with the higher production costs of the Twin-Tex material he had to create a boat that would appeal to a wide spectrum of paddlers. Natural selection on the river will likely provide a return on his investment.

Specs

Price ……….. $1,600 Cdn, not outfitted
……………….. $1,300 US, not outfitted
Material……. Twin-Tex
Length …….. 11’3”
Width ………. 29”
Depth………. 16”
Gunwale ….. wood or vinyl
Weight …….. 37 pounds

rapidv8i4cover.jpgThis article first appeared in the Fall 2006 issue of Rapid Magazine. For more great boat reviews, subscribe to Rapid’s print and digital editions here.

Sea Kayak Review: Current Designs Rumour

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Boat Review: The Rumour by Current Designs

Ever noticed that as the population’s girth gets larger, the coolest kayaks get narrower? We thought we’d seen the end of this irony, yet here’s a bold new sub-20-inch-wide offering from Current Designs, a company whose management fortunately missed the movie Super SizeMe.

Designer Nigel Foster calls his Rumour a “day-boat/play-boat” for the smaller paddler.

“I wanted to shape a small boat that would serve the small paddler in the same way a larger kayak serves the larger paddler in terms of initial stability, secondary stability and speed,” says Foster.

Not only is the length nearly two feet shorter than Foster’s most popular design, the Legend, the Rumour is also narrower and lower-volume overall—and of course much lighter and easier to schlep.

Current Designs Rumour Specs
Length: 16’5″
Width: 19.75″
Depth: 12″
Weight: 44 lbs
Cockpit: 25″ x 15″
Bow hatch: 9.5″
Stern hatch: 17.5″ x 10.75″
Total volume: 263 L
MSRP: $2,849 USD fibreglass; $3,249 USD Kevlar

cdkayak.com

Foster designed the hard-chine, shallow-arch hull to let bantam-weight paddlers effortlessly dial in an outside-edge turn. The quick transition from edge to edge will intimidate novices, but offers experienced paddlers easy and precise carving that’s especially fun in surf.

Indeed, Foster, who is big for the boat at six feet and 165 pounds, keeps a Rumour in his quiver for short paddles and surf play.

The buoyant bow provides a dry ride and reasonable capacity. Ignoring the 150-pound max recommended paddler weight, we crammed our demo full for a four-day weekend and gave the keys to a 175-pounder.

Low-profile, speedy and easy to steer with the hips, the Rumour was a pleasure to paddle in all conditions, even overloaded, and seemed capable of handling any size paddler it can fit.

Small paddlers with advanced skills should rejoice that there’s a new boat built especially for them, and medium-sized paddlers should not overlook the Rumour for day trips and play trips—not to mention it being a great reason to stay slim.

Different parts of orange sea kayak

Mini-size me (top)

The padded, moulded plastic seat has a slim, low-slung backband for minimalist support, backed by a curved and sloped bulkhead. The cockpit opening is small—a cross between an ocean cockpit and keyhole—but has plenty of legroom inside for six-footers.

Bean there (middle)

Bean-shaped Sea Dog plastic foot braces, instead of the more common aluminum Yakimas, provide on-the-fly adjustment with a release tab that you can reach while sitting in the cockpit. At Nigel Foster’s request, CD installed fibreglass bulkheads.

Left leaning (bottom)

Skeg control and day hatch are on the left. Foster explains, “Take any group out onto choppy water and ask them to brace with one hand and raise their other hand, and almost without exception people raise their left hand.” Who knew all those builders that put day hatches on the right are doing lefties a favour?

This article originally appeared in Adventure Kayak‘s Summer 2006 issue. Subscribe to Paddling Magazine’s print and digital editions here, or browse the archives here.

Sea Kayak Review: Seaward Quantum

Man paddling yellow sea kayak
Beat that, Brits! | Photo: Tarmo Poldmaa

A couple years ago in the pages of this magazine (read: Long Live the Homegrown Boat), columnist Alex Matthews argued for an end to the black and white separation between British and North American boat designs.

“Let’s keep Brit boats British and take what we learn from them and others, and put it through our own unique filters in order to make something that is truly ours,” writes Alex.

Seaward has answered his call for a mashup. In stealing from the British to create the Quantum they opted to abscond with the skeg but took an “if it ain’t broke” approach to hatches, resisting the temptation to slap on a day hatch and rubber covers just because that’s what they do in Britain.

Seaward Quantum Specs
Length: 17.3′
Width: 21.75″
Depth: 13″
Weight: 54 lbs
Cockpit: 31″ x 16″
Bow hatch: 96 L
Stern hatch: 128 L
Total storage: 224 L
Total volume: 408 L
MSRP: $3,855 CAD fiberglass; $4,445 CAD Kevlar

seawardkayaks.com

Seaward’s design team is clearly a restrained and thoughtful bunch, and it shows in the Quantum’s on-water performance too. Initial and secondary stability are moderate.

The multi-chine, shallow-V hull edges more predictably than a single hard-chine, shallow-arch hull.

Surfing a following sea is fun because you can rock the boat from edge to edge to steer without ever feeling like you’re going to overdo it and capsize.

On the level, the Quantum tracks rail-straight despite having more rocker than Seaward’s other multi-chine offering, the Chilco.

In wind, she gives you just what you want from a skeg boat—weathercocking mildly with the skeg up, trending mildly downwind with the skeg down, tracking across the wind with the skeg deployed halfway.

The Quantum is slim without being cramped, predictable without being dull, responsive without being skittish. Neither completely British nor completely North American, it’s a cultural identity complex waiting to happen.

In other words, it’s Canadian, and who wouldn’t love that?

Comfortable, eh? (top)

We’re always struck by the comfort of Seaward’s simple foam seats, er, we mean Seaward’s exclusive SRS™ (Self Rescue System). That’s right, the seat cushion pulls out and doubles as a paddle float. Handy, but did we mention that they’re darned comfortable?

Parts of a yellow sea kayak
Photos by: Tim Shuff

Newer Quantums may features a flashier fiberglass bucket seat and Immersion Research backband, but we hope the good ol’ SRS remains an option

Nice compromise, eh? (middle)

The multi-chine, V-bottom hull edges predictably like a soft-chine hull, yet grabs the water to carve a turn like a hard-chine hull. It makes edging performance accessible to paddlers of all levels.

Hoser proof, eh? (bottom)

One of Seaward’s many proprietary features, the safeHATCH™ system is both functional and foolproof. The fiberglass outer cover and airtight neoprene inner cover—which is labelled with “bow” and “stern” directional arrows—are both tethered to the boat so you can’t lose them. And if you do, the hatch seals with a plastic bag instead. Beat that, Brits!

This article was first published in Adventure Kayak‘s Fall 2006 issue. Subscribe to Paddling Magazine’s print and digital editions here , or browse the archives here.

Rehabilitating the Rattler

Photo: Patricia Kerr
Rehabilitating the Rattler

In the 1960s, when hippies were singing about free love and protesting the seal hunt, Ontario’s provincial park officials were clubbing massasauga rattlesnakes to death. But today, Kenton Otterbein, the head naturalist at Killbear Provincial Park, says campers are learning to live peacefully with Ontario’s only venomous snake, a species he describes as “darn cute.”

Most people wouldn’t think of massasauga rattlesnakes as cute. But then, most people don’t know much about them. They are less than three feet long with a dark and light blotchy pattern. Baby rattlesnakes are born alive without a rattle. At about 10 days of age they will rub against a rock and pull out of their first skin. The skin will catch on a knob at the end of their tail and the first segment of the rattle will form. They will add another segment two or three times each year when they shed their skin.

When camping and travelling in Ontario’s rattlesnake country it is rare to ever hear the rattle of a massasauga. They want nothing more than to avoid contact with humans. Being cold-blooded, they are only active within a narrow temperature band, one only reached between the hours of noon and 4 p.m. during the spring and between 4 and 10 p.m. during the summer.

Nonetheless, persecution by humans has relegated massasauga rattlesnakes to only a few pockets of habitat in Ontario, the most notable being the eastern shore of Georgian Bay. Statistics kept by the staff at Killbear Provincial Park indicate that, though incidents are rare, the people most often bitten by a massasauga rattlesnake are 18- to 30-year-old men, who’ve been boozing and are acting like the Crocodile Hunter—the guy from the television show of the same name who travels around the world catching poisonous reptiles and insects to impress his female co-stars. The other recorded snake bites are the results of people accidentally stepping on a snake in the dark. Otterbein at Killbear says the chances of being bitten are very low,

“There is a greater risk of drowning in a bathtub at home than being bitten by one of our rattlesnakes.”

In those rare cases that a snakebite does occur, first aid is the same as it is for any small puncture wounds says Lorraine Vankoughnett, the acting director of acute care at West Parry Sound Hospital. Parry Sound hospitals treat up to six bites per year and provide medical research and education across Canada. Vankoughnett says the best thing to do is to stay calm, clean the wound, bandage it loosely and seek medical help. “And do not bring me the snake,” she adds, in the hopes of dispelling a myth.

At the hospital, Vankoughnett and her team would perform blood tests and observe the patient for up to 24 hours. They have found that in one out of every four snakebites there is no venom injected into the wound. From the snake’s perspective, biting a human is defensive and a waste of its precious venom. They need to save their venom for mice.

Researchers for the Metro Toronto Zoo estimate the massasauga rat- tler population in Ojibway Park near Windsor to be fewer than 200 snakes in an area less than one square kilo- metre. Paul Pratt, a naturalist for the City of Windsor, says the snakes are a good indicator of the health of the environment: “A top-of-the-line predator like the massasauga rattler makes the ecosystem intact. If there are only a few types of plants and mice, the area is not complete.”

For a long time, people living in massasauga rattlesnake country believed that the only good snake was a dead snake. Although most wanton killings have stopped, humans are still the only real threat to the massasauga rattlesnake, and Pratt points out that we are much more of a hazard to their survival than they are to ours.

With educational programs like Killbear’s Brake for Snakes motorist-awareness campaign, The Metro Toronto Zoo’s Save our Snakes educational effort and the Ojibway Nature Centre’s live snake display, people are slowly warming up to this cold-blooded cutie, allowing the shy massasauga rattlesnake to get on with hunting its prey of mice, not men. 

Venom Vitals

  • Seven people were bitten by massasauga rattlers in Ontario last year.
  • The massasauga rattler’s fangs are 5–6 mm long.
  • A lethal dose of massasauga venom for humans is 30–40 mg.
  • One bite injects up to 6 mg of venom (do the math… you’d have to be bitten five or six times to be in danger).
  • Mice die as quickly as three minutes after a bite.
  • Massasauga rattlesnake venom is not a true poison, it is a hemolytic that prevents blood from clotting.
  • Most human rattlesnake bites are associated with the consumption of alcohol (by the human, not the snake).
  • No one in Ontario has died of a snake bite in the last 45 years. 

This article on rattle snakes was published in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots magazine.

This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots Magazine.

 

The Tandem Sideslip

Photo: Gary and Joanie McGuffin
The Tandem Sideslip

A sideslip is an elegant way to shift your canoe sideways while underway. It is an efficient way for both solo and tandem paddlers to avoid obstacles while maintaining forward speed because it avoids the drag associated with turning or spinning the canoe. Sideslips employ static strokes—the paddle stays stationary and the pressure of the water against the blade produces the force that moves the canoe laterally.

The same strokes—the static pry and static draw—are used for tandem sideslips in either direction. In this sequence, with the bow paddler paddling on the left, a static bow pry and stern draw are used to sideslip the canoe to the right. To sideslip to the left, a static bow draw and stern pry would be used.

A sideslip is an elegant way to shift your canoe sideways while underway.

1. Approach with forward momentum. Since the strokes are static they rely on water pushing against the blade to influence the path of the canoe. Tilt the canoe away from where you want to go to keep from catching the canoe’s leading edge once you start to slip.

2. The bow paddler places a static pry while the stern paddler places a static draw. Both blades are angled 15 to 20 degrees away from parallel to the centreline. Aim the leading edge of the blade where you want to go.

3. The bow paddler should adjust her blade angle so the bow does not sideslip faster than the stern. The stern paddler adjusts his blade angle so the canoe remains pointed in the intended direction.

4. Once the canoe has slipped far enough or lost the momentum necessary to slip further, follow up with forward strokes. 

This article was adapted from Gary and Joanie McGuffin’s Paddle Your Own Canoe

This article on the tandem sideslip skill was published in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots magazine.

This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots Magazine.

 

Bancroft Rocks

Photo: Carter Hammett
Bancroft Rocks

Buried miles beneath our feet in the cavities and caverns of the earth are thousands of untold tales that date back millennia. When you know what to look for, sagas of glacial shifts, continental collisions and seismic activity can be read in the stone.

Modern versions of those stories are given expression in objects that we take for granted every day. Gardeners fortify their soil with lime. Cooks enliven their food with salt. We purify our water with carbon. In fact, minerals can be found in batteries, computers, televisions, kitchen appliances, cancer treatments, X- ray machines, vitamins and cosmetics. It’s something many of us don’t think about often, but the same can’t be said of the 13,000 rockhounds who descend on Bancroft during the August long weekend.

Long known as the mineral capital of Canada, Bancroft is a haven for rockhounds the world over.

Famous for its annual Rockhound Gemboree, now in its 43rd year, Bancroft has a rich history of mining that dates back more than a century.

Since that time, the town of 4,000 has gone through various peaks and valleys of commercial production booms in feldspar, soaps, paint and glass. Marble production marked another peak in the town’s mining history, resulting in the mineral’s use in such landmarks as Ottawa’s Parliament Buildings and Toronto’s Union Station. The last great boom occurred during the 1960s when uranium reached its zenith in world markets.

Bancroft’s first Gemboree coincided with the closure of the Faraday Mine in 1964. Since then, the town has capitalized on its rich history and geological diversity to attract a steady stream of tourists to the area. Chief among the region’s tectonic oddities are the large number of pegmatites that lay hidden beneath the earth.

Pegmatites contain an inner core of quartz and an outer shell sometimes speckled with radioactive materials such as uraninite. Pegmatites occur when volcanic activity is diverted by substantial barriers—such as the vast Canadian Shield. When the diverted lava cools underground it hardens and remains riddled with dazzling minerals such as sodalite.

The pegmatites are one of the major attractions that lure rock-hounds to the Gemboree says Christine Hattin, the events coordinator with the Bancroft Chamber of Commerce. “Exhibitors and dealers come from as far away as Europe, Iraq and Pakistan,” she says. Visitors are offered field trips to more than 30 collecting sites, have opportunities to hear lectures from geological experts and even pan for gold.

Although you don’t require a background in geology to collect minerals, it is important to outfit yourself with the appropriate gear prior to venturing out to collection sites. A basic rockhound survival kit includes safety goggles, boots, sample bags, a backpack, water, a pry bar, a compass and a small sledgehammer or pick. More experienced collectors often carry a hand lens, gloves, hardhat, guidebook and identification kits.

Commonsense safety guidelines should also be adhered to. Collect with a partner, tell someone where you’re going and stay out of abandoned mines, as these can be particularly hazardous.

Hattin suggests starting your rockhounding experience with a visit to the Gemboree to speak with other mineral enthusiasts.

“You find a diversity of minerals here and lots of people simply don’t have that where they live,” says Hattin. “For them, the experience is unique.”

Bancroft Area

BERYL PIT Minerals include: beryl, clavelandite, tourmaline, quartz, garnet, apatite.
BEAR LAKE Diggings in Monmouth township of- fers titanite, and rare quartz. Bring a shovel.

MACDONALD MINE in Monteagle township, is located in a zoned pegmatite dyke with a massive centre of quartz. Also: granite, calcite, feldspar, pyrite, zircon and galena. Visitors are warned to enter mine at their own risk.
 

Thunder Bay

Amethyst Mine Panorama boasts the largest deposit of amethyst in North America. Amethyst, a coloured crystalline variety of silica mineral quartz, is the official gemstone of Ontario. 

Cobalt

Cobalt, a former silver mining hotspot, is replete with silver ore and cobalt. The mining museum on site offers specimens from around the world.

Sudbury

Sudbury is famous for its nickel production. Science North runs a “Path of Discovery” tour to major mining sites and operates a rock swap. The city hosts its own gem and mineral show in mid- July. Minerals: Garnet, staurolite, chlorotoid. Don’t forget to visit Dynamic Earth, the interactive earth sciences centre.

Timmins Underground

Timmins Underground offers a gold mine tour that allows visitors to sample the mining life. 

 

This article on geology was published in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots magazine.

This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots Magazine. For more great content, subscribe to Canoeroots’ print and digital editions here.

Base Camp: Cutting His Teeth

Photo: Scott MacGregor
Base Camp: Cutting His Teeth

It may have been the bristles scrubbing his four little chompers, but more likely he didn’t like being pinned to the cold tile floor like some midget wrestler while a malnourished Hulk Hogan rammed a toothbrush into his face.

Toothbrushing, like having teeth at all, was something new for Dougie and it was not something he was particularly fond of. He kicked and squirmed, screaming in protest, shaking his head from side to side doing his very best to spit out the brush. I was literally fighting tooth decay.

I’d just returned from the dentist office where I learned of an impending root canal. As a responsible parent I vowed to enforce a new toothbrushing policy upon my son so that he would not have to fear the drill in 35 years. I won the battle, of course, because I’ve got him by about 140 pounds. But all I’d taught him was that brushing his teeth is something he has to do because I’m bigger; because I said so. I hadn’t won at all. He went to bed with his mouth free of plaque and I went to bed with a heart full of guilt.

The next day Dougie dragged his little ottertail paddle over to a basket of laundry, climbed into the basket and began paddling his rubbermaid canoe and a week’s worth of socks across the living room floor.

I cried.

For years, prepping myself for the task, I’ve been asking outdoorsy parents how they turned their kids into little campers.

They all have wonderful stories to tell, all different stories of course, but the secret, they say, is including a little bit of camping, skiing, biking, canoeing and hiking into everyday life. Which I guess explains why we have a tent set up in the dining room, we wear bike helmets at story time and we own the Chariot CX2 adventure stroller reviewed in this issue’s new toy box column.

For two months I’d put Dougie on my knee with his pint-sized paddle while I hummed bits and pieces of old camp songs. Since he was born he’s been coming to the river with us watching kayakers play in the rapids. he often floats around with us in our canoe.

Seeing Dougie kneeling in the laundry basket paddling across the living room solved my toothbrushing dilemma.

Everything I wanted him to learn about camping I’d made into a toy or a game and made sure he saw us smiling and having fun. Yet something as routine and important as brushing my teeth I did in the privacy of my own bathroom. Then one day I produced a toothbrush, pinned him down and rammed it into his mouth. How shocking that must have been. Putting it like that, I can see myself appearing on the next Jerry Springer show, “On today’s show, hippie dads who go macho man on their kids to fight cavities.”

Lucky for me, Dougie won’t see that episode; he’d rather be camping than watching television.  

 

This article was published in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots magazine.This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots Magazine. For more great content, subscribe to Canoeroots’ print and digital editions here.

 

Butt End: Uncivilized Behaviour

Photo: Rick Snowdon
Butt End: Uncivilized Behaviour

True, proper wilderness trip preparation should plan for a range of eventualities, but I’m not feeling too badly about the reason we’re stranded on this beach. The bush pilot scheduled to pick us up today was arrested yesterday for being involved in a pornography scandal. I’m not sure I could have seen that one coming.

Now our crew of six paddlers is waiting as patiently as the cold and wet will allow for another pick-up, which we were told could be two or three more days. Our food supply consists of half a bag of GORP, a package of instant potatoes, a dozen prunes, and, possibly, a trusting cottontail who’s hanging around our camp looking for companionship.

I hope the float plane pilot is a law-abiding Baptist minister with a family filter on his web browser 

The battery in our satellite phone is on its death bed because one of our group insisted on calling his wife twice a day throughout the trip for conversations that usually ended in heated marital discussions at four dollars a minute; another is green from trying to drown his sorrows with the majority of our spirits; and we were informed by the air service that the tires on both shuttle vehicles we left parked at the end of an 80-kilometre dirt road were slashed by some local militants who had a dislike for canoeists intruding on their secret fishing grounds. 

It’s not a good day. The truth is, it’s not been a good week. We’ve been paddling upstream the entire trip, when there was enough water to actually paddle. Water levels were low enough that we left a trail of Royalex shavings on the river bed like Hansel and Gretel leaving bread crumbs through the Black Forest. The only way out is to paddle six more days or wait for another float plane to arrive. I hope it’s flown by a law-abiding Baptist minister with a family filter on his web browser. 

I spend a lot of time travelling the bush, and I spend my fair share of time worrying about marauding bears, violent storms and becoming hopelessly lost. Never have I worried about being stranded in the wilderness with an overly communicative husband and a tapped-out drunk due to a pervert and some insecure fishermen.

I guess it just goes to show you that the ugliness you’re trying to escape back home can still reach you out here. I think I’ll stop worrying so much about bears, storms and getting lost. 

This article on trip preparedness was published in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots magazine.

This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots Magazine.

 

Betcha Didn’t Know About… Bats

Photo: www.super3.net
Betcha Didn't Know About... Bats
  • Bats are the only mammals that can fly.
  • There are 900 species of bat worldwide. Seventeen can be found in Canada.
  • The little brown bat inhabits all U.S. states and Canadian provinces and territories except Nunavut.
  • Batman is a DC Comics superhero who first appeared in 1939. His true identity is Bruce Wayne, a bumbling billionaire philanthropist who created his crime-fighting alter-ego after his parents were murdered.
  • Bats rest hanging upside down so they just have to let go to take flight.
  • The term “corking a bat” usually refers to something baseball players do to lighten their bats and speed up their swing.
  • An average little brown bat weighs only 8 grams but has a wingspan of 22 centimetres.
  • The not-so little penis of the little brown bat is nearly a quarter of its body length.
  • Bats hunt by emitting high-pitched screeches and honing in on prey by listening for the echos bouncing off flying insects (hence the big ears).
  • The little brown bat eats by flipping insects into its mouth with its wings. It can catch and eat 10 insects a minute and consume an amount equal to its own weight in one night.
  • Bruce Wayne took in a 16-year-old orphaned circus acrobat named Dick Grayson, who became his sidekick, Robin.
  • Ten years is an average lifespan for the little brown bat, but one banded specimen in Ontario reached an age of 35 years.
  • Disturbing a hibernating bat costs it the energy it would use during 60 days of hibernation.
  • Unlike many superheroes, Batman does not possess superpowers. To wage his war on crime, he employs his keen intellect and has trained himself in chemistry, criminology, forensics, martial arts, gymnastics, disguise, escapology and ventriloquism, or so says Wikipedia. 

This article on bats was published in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots magazine.

This article first appeared in the Summer 2006 issue of Canoeroots Magazine.