I’m ringing in the New Year as I write this. And what a year it promises to be. Last year, I kept some of my paddling resolutions; the majority, I shamefully haven’t. As I scan my list of newly minted 2013 resolves, I’m proud to say they seem more enlightened. It turns out it is more a matter of idiotic canoeing endeavors not to be repeated than a list of imperatives.

First, I’ve vowed not to fix up two strangers in a tandem canoe. My experience as a matchmaker has yet to prove successful—adding credence to the term “divorce boat.” My latest attempt involved two casual acquaintances of mine, total strangers to one another. Naïvely, I thought Ron and Jeff would make an awesome tandem team down a 97-mile, wild stretch of Colorado’s Dolores River. Boy, was I mistaken.

From the outset, both were plagued by acute inflated ego, extreme irritability and a couple of nasty capsizes. All of this culminated in a brief fistfight on day one of our five-day journey. It was the trip from hell for the mismatched pair, which, naturally, affected the rest of our group. Still, something inside me tells me that, somewhere out there, there are two paddlers who don’t yet know each other, but will become lifelong friends, or lovers. If only I could pair them up in a canoe.

I’ve also vowed not to challenge a Maine master guide to a canoe poling contest. These lumberjack-tough canoeists possess the most difficult-to-obtain guiding licenses in the U.S. The last time I threw down the gauntlet, I embarrassed myself so badly that my wife feigned she didn’t know me. It was only 30 seconds into the testosterone-driven race when I was rather spectacularly ejected from my canoe. 

As I crawled out of the water, pulling my flooded boat behind me, I made the disheartening mistake of glancing up at my adversary. To my utter amazement, the scrawny guide, complete with chicken legs and a ZZ Top chest-length beard, was not only poling effortlessly upstream into a class III rapid, but was standing atop the gunwales while doing so. I heard there’s a 79-year-old master guide itching to take me on but a man’s pride can only take so much abuse.

Finally, I have emphatically stated that I will never again agree to go canoeing in the North Country during the height of black fly and mosquito season. My longtime paddling buddies will tell you that I’ve been making this resolution every year for the last 35 years. Alas, I was recently invited on a 10-day trip down Manitoba’s Seal River in July and I couldn’t turn down the opportunity.

I guess some resolutions are just made to be broken.

An avid paddler from Buena Vista, Colorado, Larry Rice has managed to canoe on all seven continents, which had absolutely nothing to do with a New Year’s resolution.

This article first appeared in the Spring 2013 issue of Canoeroots Magazine.